Yes, I’m still alive. And now I’ll explain why I’ve replaced the byline: “The random musings and Marxist rants of a Leftist, gay, Christian, vegan, Buddhist geek.” with “[...]“.
I’ve had to do some self-evaluation, look at what my priorities have been, and figure out why I’ve not been myself lately. I know that may sound like that hippie self-reflective off-to-the-woods/mountain/country-to-find-myself bullshit, but rest-assured I didn’t even miss a day of work in my whole self-evaluation process. In fact, it was a very simple process. I just set aside for a moment what I thought my priorities were, and asked myself, when have I been, truly, at my best? What has brought me real joy in life, and what must I do to get my life back on track? Don’t get me wrong, my life is good. I have a brilliant and gorgeous husband whom I love dearly, a great job, financial stability, a fantastic apartment overlooking Manhattan, loving family and friends, everything anyone could ask for and more. In that respect, my life is on track, and yet…
I’ve found myself frequently stressed out, short-tempered, and behaving in a manner of someone other than myself. I was going out of my way to be nasty to people who irked me. In short, I had become what I hated.* At one point I woke up in the middle of the night crying for no reason. I don’t know how Dino put up with me. For both our sakes, I had to figure out what was wrong and rectify it.
I realized I was neglecting an important need in my life. I have friends, family, and comrades, but I didn’t have a church. I was so far removed, I was even downplaying my views (and lying to myself) by claiming to be a weak agnostic of sorts. I’ve since realized that isn’t what I really believe, but I was so wrapped up in work and politics that I neglected my relationship with God, and my need for fellowship with my fellow Christians. I was fortunate to find a church that made me feel welcome, as well as a gay Christian group on meetup.com (although the last couple of meetings has only been 4 of us counting myself). Since I’ve changed my focus, I’ve been able to read and listen to conservatives without becoming angry. While I am still a Marxist, vegan, Buddhist, gay, and geeky, all those things are secondary. I am, first-and-foremost, (brace yourselves, my atheist friends) an evangelical, born-again Christian.
Now, forget everything you may think you know about evangelical, born-again Christians. “Born again” means I have made a commitment to having a personal relationship with God. “Evangelical” means I take that personal relationship, and the Bible, seriously, especially the Gospel message (although not everything in the Bible is literally true). I honestly believe that Jesus is the incarnation of God, that he died for our sins as a final sacrifice, and that he arose from the dead. And yes, I know how crazy that sounds. It’s even crazier than the idea that we shouldn’t kill sentient creatures for food. I can’t help but believe it. I’ve experienced God in so many ways in my life, to reject that would be so horribly dishonest I wouldn’t know how to live with myself. I’m not ashamed of what I believe.
In saying all this, I feel like I’m coming out all over again. I realize I may lose friends. I realize people may think less of me, or ridicule me, but I have to be honest with myself.
All that said, I still won’t shove my religion down your throat. But I won’t hide it either. I’ll gladly share my thoughts and beliefs with anyone who will listen. (For those “anyones,” I’m starting a new project documenting my faith journey: Testimony of an Unlikely Christian. I hope to develop this project into a book.)
And I’m still for the separation of church and state. All people deserve the right to live and worship and believe (or disbelieve) as they see fit, and no person has the right to impose his or her beliefs on another.
And no, this isn’t a satirical post. I meant every word of it.
* No doubt many of my friends on the Vegan Freak Forums will recognize this inside joke. But it isn’t really a joke here.
